Friday, 12 November 2010

Estate Agents: WTF do you actually do for your money?

On any typical Saturday around Sydney, you'll see lots of little signs pointing to houses, telling you it's for sale/let and  there's going to be a viewing there. During the course of the day househunters go look at these houses, and if they like them they put in an offer, which the vendor/landlord either accepts or doesn't.

In the middle of this pretty straightforward process, there are estate agents.  For some reason Estate Agents get paid commission.  I think it's just for putting those signs out, because from my experience they do absolutely fuck all else.  But let's have a look at all the wonderful things they say they offer to us:
  1. Expert Marketing Skills: Now I'm no expert, but taking photos on an iPhone and sticking them on a website is not marketing. Especially if the photos are just of the view and the house exterior, and are so small that when you zoom in, they look like they are some kind of "informant" houses on witness protection, who are trying to remain anonymous. Oh, and they really should spend less ad space on pictures of their smug faces and more on what they are fucking selling. Amazon isn't covered in pictures of warehouse staff, is it?  As for leaving up adverts for properties that have been leased...don't get me started.
  2. Years of experience: I assume by this they mean that houses sell themselves, and they know from experience that they can earn commission by doing fuck all.
  3. Finding the right buyer:  Sticking a sign up saying "This house here is for sale please come and look round", is not finding the right fucking buyer. Nor is spending 4 minutes typing up a website description and sticking it on  On several occasions, I have emailed agents about properties and what I am looking for, and without fail they have ALL sent their entire property list. Lazy, motherfucking, mouth-breathers.
  4. Customer service: They do this by never answering emails, ignoring phone calls, and running away if you spot them on the street. I'm in the market right now for a rental property, willing to spend $1k+ per week, and yet they don't want to talk to me and don't even respond to me when I actually put in an application. Seriously? You lazy, motherfucking, mouth...oh I can't be bothered.
One more thing.  Why the fuck do I care what you fucking look like?  I don't need a picture of your FACE on your adverts.  I need a decent set of pictures of the properties you're selling, not one of your punchable twattish face.  And if your strapline is "Your Property Is Worth More With Us", then why the fuck would I EVER buy a house from you?  Duh.

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